Marriage… the shit we don’t want to talk about

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American culture, arguing, biology, communication, evolution, expectations, human being, less sex, life, love, Marriage, married life, negative thoughts, relationships, spousal problems

If you would had asked me at the age of 21 I would had said “Hell NO! I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED” but at the age of 26 the idea of marriage became more desirable and filled with the same fairly tales we dream of when we are little girls. At the age of 21 I was surrounded by people all around getting divorced, talking about how miserable marriage was and how much they regretted getting married. I was even told not to get married by these divorcees. Of course when you are inlove you don’t listen to any negative advice and you honestly don’t care what other people think because you think your marriage will be different, you think the sex will stay the same, you think you will continue to party and have fun like you have been, and the idea of marriage just sounds like the best thing you can imagine.

The idea of marriage- to be with your best friend forever, through the thick and thin, the good health and bad, the poor times and the wealthy moments in life, enjoying life to the fullest… well the reality is things do change. How can we not change if we change our environment, and grow as human beings? We mature mentally and physically. We adapt to our surroundings, we carry with us some new bad and good memories; We are changing every day in some way. It’s only natural that things will change. Of course some marriages are stronger than others. Some have been best friends and together since high school. And some times the things that brings us closer are the things that at the end pulls us apart. According to the biology of our race and evolution it’s only natural for men to have more than one wife, or at least more than one sexual partner but that doesn’t mean at the same time of course. It definitely explains why and how some couples after being together for so long decide to end their marriage and move on to someone else or something new. We need to face the fact that we are pretty much the same as Apes. The desire of reproduction is inherit in us whether we want it or not. I can go on much deeper into this subject matter but I won’t because this post is about marriage.

I have learned over the years of being in relationships that we have the responsibility to take the role in the departments that are partners fail at. If we sit around waiting for our partners to do what we want them to do, we will be waiting for eternity and making ourselves more miserable. Our expectations need to adjust to the reality of our lives. We can’t expect our marriage to reflect what we see in the movies or on TV. Of course our partners should be courteous and love us enough to listen to us and try their best at doing their part but there are somethings that they will never want to do, or just plain suck at doing. Like bills, opening mail, washing dishes, blah, blah, blah. But they are great at doing other things. We need to focus on how each person is different, what are they good at, and separate the roles of wife and husband according to their assets, not the expectations of domestic life that our culture pressures us to take.

Now once you get the domestic roles set, there are the other shit you have to deal with like trust, communication, and respect. How is that these three things get so fucked up once you are married? I don’t have an answer for that but I do have an answer to how to deal with the torment of self destruction. Like the book titled Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus says we are totally different. And those different things fuck it up! You try to express how you feel, the other doesn’t. Then nothing is said, things get taken the wrong way. Then you are just filled with all negative emotions, therefore creating a life of misery. Now again, why go through the process of marriage if you will eventually have to deal with crap like that? Well the answer is because you love that person and you made a promise. At the end of the day when things are cleared up, and the true deep feelings in your heart come out that’s what truly matters. If at the end of the day you still can’t stand that person then maybe it is time to move on but if after the fight or misunderstanding is cleared and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, that feeling you feel is the honest truth. Don’t let your emotions trick you into thinking your marriage is over or should be when you are fighting or not communicating. Don’t let yourself start imagining life without the other. Don’t let your emotions pull your marriage further apart. Cool off, think clearly, without judgement, without thinking betrayal at first, try to think as positive as possible to be able to sit down and discuss issues between both of you without going into full blast arguments, insults, and blaming. Talk to a therapist if you can’t do it on your own but don’t give up just because you are so angry and tired. Your emotions aren’t letting you think clearly and it’s best to step outside of the scenario of the problems and looking from inside out as if you were looking at another couple. Try to put on your partners’ shoes and see his/hers point of view to try to understand one another more. Don’t give up too soon!

In conclusion I can’t tell you how many times at the time of anger and feeling disconnected, or disrespected, or anything negative, I have felt wanting to fleet. When we are angry our emotions take over the reality of what is inside our hearts. We let that anger and hurt take over our thoughts, and create new scenarios in our heads of how it could be different, and we forget that we made a promise. We also forget the great qualities and memories we do share with each other. I know it’s hard to admit or try to feel good about your marriage when you are feeling hurt, just take some time to distant yourself from negative thoughts and you will being to think clearer. Then you will realize your world is not going to end nor is your marriage and how real your love is still for your partner.

P.S.- This posting is regarding arguing, and communication issues. Spousal abuse (emotional or physical) is very different and needs to be taken seriously. Please search a support group or therapist if you have an abusive relationship. Your world will not end if your marriage ends. You are your own person, with your own hopes and dreams, you are not anyone’s property and your safety (life) is more important than anything else. A family staying together for the sake of being together is not healthy for anyone.

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The benefits of spending time with the Grandparents…can’t say I benefited much.

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American culture, bonds, death, family, grandchildren, grandparents, hispanic culture, learning, lessons, life, memories, metlife study, relationships

 

Grandma, me, and mami

I come from a hard working single mother who had me at the age of 40. My mother an accountant major in Ecuador cleaned houses when we moved to United States. I stayed every day with my grandmother who we lived with. My grandmother wasn’t the nicest lady. She was straight to the point, very blunt, didn’t care if she hurt your feelings, a man hater and was very bossy. My mother since as early as she could work took care of my grandmother. I believe my grandmother only worked once in her lifetime. Not sure how my mother became so independent and a slave to my grandmother but since I was young that’s how it was. My mother an only child, so strong and always yearned for a large family but found herself single and only with me as her only child. She has only shown me love my entire life, she said she didn’t want to be like her mother who was never a loving mother. My grandmother was deprived of love from her early childhood. She was the middle child, both her sisters got to marry the man they chose but my grandmother had an arranged marriage. You can only imagine how horrible she must of felt. I was also told that she did like another boy but she was forced to marry my grandfather. My grandfather was twice her age, he was a telegrapher, didn’t make much. Not sure how much damage he caused but I do know is that as soon as my mother became of age, she took my grandmother away with her and moved away. My mother kinda saved my grandmother from an unhappy marriage and perhaps that’s why she has always been the leader, the provider for both of them.

Anyways, back to my childhood. I don’t recall my grandmother every playing with me, she didn’t like kids, she didn’t really like anyone. She was angry inside and could never seem to find happiness but I do know she loved me and took good care of me. My mom always protected me from her, not that she was abusive but my mom made sure that she would never lay a finger on me. Thank god I was a quite kid, and always kept to myself, and just drew pictures in my alone time. I recall my grandmother piercing my ears, I must of been 4. My mother was outraged but I guess it was ok since I needed earrings. I know my grandmother loved me in her own ways. And when she passed away, my heart did hurt for losing her and not spending enough time with her. I remember her telling me stories of how she helped her cousin get a house after she got a divorce from her husband who use to beat her when he was drunk. My grandmother also seemed to be savior to women who didn’t have a voice. Maybe because she felt she was also strong in her own way and didn’t want other women to be taken advantage of by a man. She somehow got involved with the city and had to fight for her cousin’s rights, I don’t recall so well, it’s kinda a blur but it made me smile that at least she did do some good deeds in her life that I wasn’t aware of. 

My grandmother was born in 1918. She died at age 84 or 85, can’t remember. And I will never forget seeing her pass in hospice. When I stared at her, so lifeless, so bare to the bones, I could see myself in her. I could see my bone structure was like hers and the more I looked at her the more I felt I looked like her more than my own mother. I cried but felt relieved that my mother finally would be free from taking care of her and could now live her life her own way. 

When I was dating my husband his grandmother on his dad side was alive and he’s grandmother on his mother side was alive. When I met them they were both so sweet, so caring, and so different from my grandmother. Both very old and getting to the point of losing their memories, etc. His grandmother had the biggest smile, the warmest heart and from all the stories I hear she was an amazing polish cook! My grandmother was too a good cook but stop cook after the age of 80. I couldn’t understand why my husband had no desire to spend any time with his grandmother or grandfather. A few months ago his grandmother passed away. I went to the memorial service which was filled with so many wonderful stories how this woman was not only their grandmother but their best friend. I cried because through all their stories, I also felt like I had gotten to know her more than I did. I wondered how it must feel to lose someone so special and close like that. It reminded me of some of the ladies on my facebook page that periodically posts how much they miss their nana, etc. My husband’s grandfather is still alive, though he was suppose to pass away last year since he was diagnosed with liver cancer but he’s still kicking and living a healthy life. He lives far from us but if he lived closer I would go visit him very often. He was in WWII and flew one of the most powerful war planes! He’s the sweetest and so caring man! I feel so envious for my husband who had wonderful grandparents but I feel like he doesn’t appreciate their love or existence the way he should. I’m not sure if this is an American thing but I do know that grandparents should be cherished no matter what culture you come from. They have so much history, knowledge, and love for you!

I feel lucky though because all the benefits they say you can earn as a grandchild, I have learn from my mother. She has always been such a wonderful example of a good person, a brave person, who has taught me to be grateful for everything I have in my life, to respect others as I would like to be treated, and to never lose faith. 

According to a September 2012 research by MetLife Mature Market Institute and the nonprofit Generations United, titled The MetLife Study on How Grandparents Share Their Time,Values, and Money, they found 74 percent of respondents provide weekly babysitting services for their grandchildren. These strong relationships and bonds that both grandparents and grandchildren share showed can help provide long term benefits in life for both parties.

Grandparents feel self-worth by staying in touch with grandkids, overall improving their health. The research showed that elders can show valuable lessons to youngsters such as:

EMPATHY: TEACHING THEIR GRANDKIDS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE THINGS THEY HAVE AND THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM. This lesson is so valuable in today’s society where we take everything for granted, even our freedom.

FAMILY HISTORY: THEY CAN SHARE STORIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS THROUGH OLD PHOTOS OR WATCHING OLD MOVIES, GIVING OPPORTUNITIES FOR GRANDKIDS TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR OWN FAMILY TREE.

INTERESTS: CHILDREN CAN LEARN NEW SKILLS OR HOBBIES THAT THEIR GRANDPARENTS ARE INTO LIKE WOODWORK, COOKING, GARDENING, AND EVEN SHARE SOME FAMILY RECIPES.

RESPECT: GRANDKIDS WHO GROW UP RESPECTING THEIR GRANDPARENTS WILL TEND TO RESPECT AUTHORITY FIGURES OUTSIDE OF THEIR HOMES, WHICH WILL HELP THEM GROW UP TO BE MORE COURTEOUS AND KIND TO OTHERS. 

Grandparents also benefit from a strong relationships with their grandkids by having companionship in their lives, having new experiences and conversations can help maintain their minds stay sharp and bodies active as they enter their golden years.

Research by MetLife

 

Finally done with this project. I call it PlayDoll!

Tags

American culture, American trend, Artwork, Breast Implants, Doll, Feminism, Nathalia Calderon, Playboy, Sculpture

Close-up

PlayDoll, 2012

It definitely took a different direction from what it started as of as in my mind. At first I planned on reversing the Playboy logo and carving it out of chicken breast and hanging it on the wall with huge breast and pantyhoses. But somehow after discussing it with my professor, I was eared to make a doll instead.
Creating fabric patterns from my head for making this doll wasn’t easy, especially after having issues with the sewing machine. Uggh! But finally minutes away from mid-night I have finished!

This doll represents the influence of Playboy on the American culture and force expectations of what beauty should be.
Did you know the original Playboy bunny outfits were all sized D-cup, girls had to stuff their bras to create cleavage where they could store their tips, they were also force to wear nude nylons under their black nylons so all the girls had the same skin tone. The molded idea that the perfect woman should be a blonde, blue eyes, size D-cup, and a tiny waist is unreal.

The reality of beauty comes in many colors, sizes, and comes from within. When will the American culture learn to relect moral values, instead of vanity to the youth??