If you would had asked me at the age of 21 I would had said “Hell NO! I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED” but at the age of 26 the idea of marriage became more desirable and filled with the same fairly tales we dream of when we are little girls. At the age of 21 I was surrounded by people all around getting divorced, talking about how miserable marriage was and how much they regretted getting married. I was even told not to get married by these divorcees. Of course when you are inlove you don’t listen to any negative advice and you honestly don’t care what other people think because you think your marriage will be different, you think the sex will stay the same, you think you will continue to party and have fun like you have been, and the idea of marriage just sounds like the best thing you can imagine.
The idea of marriage- to be with your best friend forever, through the thick and thin, the good health and bad, the poor times and the wealthy moments in life, enjoying life to the fullest… well the reality is things do change. How can we not change if we change our environment, and grow as human beings? We mature mentally and physically. We adapt to our surroundings, we carry with us some new bad and good memories; We are changing every day in some way. It’s only natural that things will change. Of course some marriages are stronger than others. Some have been best friends and together since high school. And some times the things that brings us closer are the things that at the end pulls us apart. According to the biology of our race and evolution it’s only natural for men to have more than one wife, or at least more than one sexual partner but that doesn’t mean at the same time of course. It definitely explains why and how some couples after being together for so long decide to end their marriage and move on to someone else or something new. We need to face the fact that we are pretty much the same as Apes. The desire of reproduction is inherit in us whether we want it or not. I can go on much deeper into this subject matter but I won’t because this post is about marriage.
I have learned over the years of being in relationships that we have the responsibility to take the role in the departments that are partners fail at. If we sit around waiting for our partners to do what we want them to do, we will be waiting for eternity and making ourselves more miserable. Our expectations need to adjust to the reality of our lives. We can’t expect our marriage to reflect what we see in the movies or on TV. Of course our partners should be courteous and love us enough to listen to us and try their best at doing their part but there are somethings that they will never want to do, or just plain suck at doing. Like bills, opening mail, washing dishes, blah, blah, blah. But they are great at doing other things. We need to focus on how each person is different, what are they good at, and separate the roles of wife and husband according to their assets, not the expectations of domestic life that our culture pressures us to take.
Now once you get the domestic roles set, there are the other shit you have to deal with like trust, communication, and respect. How is that these three things get so fucked up once you are married? I don’t have an answer for that but I do have an answer to how to deal with the torment of self destruction. Like the book titled Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus says we are totally different. And those different things fuck it up! You try to express how you feel, the other doesn’t. Then nothing is said, things get taken the wrong way. Then you are just filled with all negative emotions, therefore creating a life of misery. Now again, why go through the process of marriage if you will eventually have to deal with crap like that? Well the answer is because you love that person and you made a promise. At the end of the day when things are cleared up, and the true deep feelings in your heart come out that’s what truly matters. If at the end of the day you still can’t stand that person then maybe it is time to move on but if after the fight or misunderstanding is cleared and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, that feeling you feel is the honest truth. Don’t let your emotions trick you into thinking your marriage is over or should be when you are fighting or not communicating. Don’t let yourself start imagining life without the other. Don’t let your emotions pull your marriage further apart. Cool off, think clearly, without judgement, without thinking betrayal at first, try to think as positive as possible to be able to sit down and discuss issues between both of you without going into full blast arguments, insults, and blaming. Talk to a therapist if you can’t do it on your own but don’t give up just because you are so angry and tired. Your emotions aren’t letting you think clearly and it’s best to step outside of the scenario of the problems and looking from inside out as if you were looking at another couple. Try to put on your partners’ shoes and see his/hers point of view to try to understand one another more. Don’t give up too soon!
In conclusion I can’t tell you how many times at the time of anger and feeling disconnected, or disrespected, or anything negative, I have felt wanting to fleet. When we are angry our emotions take over the reality of what is inside our hearts. We let that anger and hurt take over our thoughts, and create new scenarios in our heads of how it could be different, and we forget that we made a promise. We also forget the great qualities and memories we do share with each other. I know it’s hard to admit or try to feel good about your marriage when you are feeling hurt, just take some time to distant yourself from negative thoughts and you will being to think clearer. Then you will realize your world is not going to end nor is your marriage and how real your love is still for your partner.
P.S.- This posting is regarding arguing, and communication issues. Spousal abuse (emotional or physical) is very different and needs to be taken seriously. Please search a support group or therapist if you have an abusive relationship. Your world will not end if your marriage ends. You are your own person, with your own hopes and dreams, you are not anyone’s property and your safety (life) is more important than anything else. A family staying together for the sake of being together is not healthy for anyone.
A great article on what real love is…
Love is a choice.
My wife and I have known each other since high school, but didn’t date until much later. We had only dated a couple of weeks before we realized that we were madly in love and wanted to get married.
I was all for it! I even suggested a spontaneous, immediate wedding in Vegas. (Seriously.) Kim, however, was a bit more practical about the whole thing. She wanted to take time to plan it all out.
I felt deflated. “We’re so different,” I said. “You like to plan, while I like to be spontaneous.”
Kim’s eyes widened. “I can be spontaneous!” she said, hurriedly. “I can totally be spontaneous. You just have to tell me in advance when you want to be spontaneous, and I will write it down in my planner…”
I gave her a strange look. She was totally serious! Clearly, Kim did not understand…
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