Marriage… the shit we don’t want to talk about

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If you would had asked me at the age of 21 I would had said “Hell NO! I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED” but at the age of 26 the idea of marriage became more desirable and filled with the same fairly tales we dream of when we are little girls. At the age of 21 I was surrounded by people all around getting divorced, talking about how miserable marriage was and how much they regretted getting married. I was even told not to get married by these divorcees. Of course when you are inlove you don’t listen to any negative advice and you honestly don’t care what other people think because you think your marriage will be different, you think the sex will stay the same, you think you will continue to party and have fun like you have been, and the idea of marriage just sounds like the best thing you can imagine.

The idea of marriage- to be with your best friend forever, through the thick and thin, the good health and bad, the poor times and the wealthy moments in life, enjoying life to the fullest… well the reality is things do change. How can we not change if we change our environment, and grow as human beings? We mature mentally and physically. We adapt to our surroundings, we carry with us some new bad and good memories; We are changing every day in some way. It’s only natural that things will change. Of course some marriages are stronger than others. Some have been best friends and together since high school. And some times the things that brings us closer are the things that at the end pulls us apart. According to the biology of our race and evolution it’s only natural for men to have more than one wife, or at least more than one sexual partner but that doesn’t mean at the same time of course. It definitely explains why and how some couples after being together for so long decide to end their marriage and move on to someone else or something new. We need to face the fact that we are pretty much the same as Apes. The desire of reproduction is inherit in us whether we want it or not. I can go on much deeper into this subject matter but I won’t because this post is about marriage.

I have learned over the years of being in relationships that we have the responsibility to take the role in the departments that are partners fail at. If we sit around waiting for our partners to do what we want them to do, we will be waiting for eternity and making ourselves more miserable. Our expectations need to adjust to the reality of our lives. We can’t expect our marriage to reflect what we see in the movies or on TV. Of course our partners should be courteous and love us enough to listen to us and try their best at doing their part but there are somethings that they will never want to do, or just plain suck at doing. Like bills, opening mail, washing dishes, blah, blah, blah. But they are great at doing other things. We need to focus on how each person is different, what are they good at, and separate the roles of wife and husband according to their assets, not the expectations of domestic life that our culture pressures us to take.

Now once you get the domestic roles set, there are the other shit you have to deal with like trust, communication, and respect. How is that these three things get so fucked up once you are married? I don’t have an answer for that but I do have an answer to how to deal with the torment of self destruction. Like the book titled Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus says we are totally different. And those different things fuck it up! You try to express how you feel, the other doesn’t. Then nothing is said, things get taken the wrong way. Then you are just filled with all negative emotions, therefore creating a life of misery. Now again, why go through the process of marriage if you will eventually have to deal with crap like that? Well the answer is because you love that person and you made a promise. At the end of the day when things are cleared up, and the true deep feelings in your heart come out that’s what truly matters. If at the end of the day you still can’t stand that person then maybe it is time to move on but if after the fight or misunderstanding is cleared and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, that feeling you feel is the honest truth. Don’t let your emotions trick you into thinking your marriage is over or should be when you are fighting or not communicating. Don’t let yourself start imagining life without the other. Don’t let your emotions pull your marriage further apart. Cool off, think clearly, without judgement, without thinking betrayal at first, try to think as positive as possible to be able to sit down and discuss issues between both of you without going into full blast arguments, insults, and blaming. Talk to a therapist if you can’t do it on your own but don’t give up just because you are so angry and tired. Your emotions aren’t letting you think clearly and it’s best to step outside of the scenario of the problems and looking from inside out as if you were looking at another couple. Try to put on your partners’ shoes and see his/hers point of view to try to understand one another more. Don’t give up too soon!

In conclusion I can’t tell you how many times at the time of anger and feeling disconnected, or disrespected, or anything negative, I have felt wanting to fleet. When we are angry our emotions take over the reality of what is inside our hearts. We let that anger and hurt take over our thoughts, and create new scenarios in our heads of how it could be different, and we forget that we made a promise. We also forget the great qualities and memories we do share with each other. I know it’s hard to admit or try to feel good about your marriage when you are feeling hurt, just take some time to distant yourself from negative thoughts and you will being to think clearer. Then you will realize your world is not going to end nor is your marriage and how real your love is still for your partner.

P.S.- This posting is regarding arguing, and communication issues. Spousal abuse (emotional or physical) is very different and needs to be taken seriously. Please search a support group or therapist if you have an abusive relationship. Your world will not end if your marriage ends. You are your own person, with your own hopes and dreams, you are not anyone’s property and your safety (life) is more important than anything else. A family staying together for the sake of being together is not healthy for anyone.

Forget About Feelings, Real Love Is A Deliberate Choice

A great article on what real love is…

Seth Adam Smith

Love Is A Choice Love is a choice.

My wife and I have known each other since high school, but didn’t date until much later. We had only dated a couple of weeks before we realized that we were madly in love and wanted to get married.

I was all for it! I even suggested a spontaneous, immediate wedding in Vegas. (Seriously.) Kim, however, was a bit more practical about the whole thing. She wanted to take time to plan it all out.

I felt deflated. “We’re so different,” I said. “You like to plan, while I like to be spontaneous.”

Kim’s eyes widened. “I can be spontaneous!” she said, hurriedly. “I can totally be spontaneous. You just have to tell me in advance when you want to be spontaneous, and I will write it down in my planner…”

I gave her a strange look. She was totally serious! Clearly, Kim did not understand…

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Fetishism and the Uncanny

Great article on the uncanny and fetishism!

anthonyhowelljournal

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Remember how the media presented Roentgen’s discovery of X-rays towards the end of the last century: the idea was that X-rays allow us to see a person who is still alive as if he were already dead, reduced to a mere skeleton (with, of course, the underlying theological notion of vanitas: through the Roentgen apparatus, we see “what we truly are,” in the eyes of eternity…). What we are dealing with here is the negative link between visibility and movement: in terms of its original phenomenological status, movement equals blindness; it blurs the contours of what we perceive: in order for us to perceive the object clearly, it must be frozen – immobility makes a thing visible.

xxxxxxxxxx(Slavoj Zizek, Fetishism and its Vicissitudes)

Item 1: in Bo Widerberg’s Love Lessons (aka All Things Fair), made in Sweden in 1995, a teenage boy has fallen in love with his…

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Good bye for now Facebook!

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facebook

facebook

Yesterday I made the decision to step away from my obsession with Facebook. It was dominating my life, my time, and my attention. I deleted it off from my phone, which I had been attached to like a baby to a pacifier. For those who don’t know text messages and Facebook updates trigger a part in our brains that increases dopamine, creating us addicted to always checking our phones in expectation of new updates.
Dopamine is the chemical our bodies produce when we are rewarded with pleasure and happiness. Like when we purchase a new item for ourselves it also increases dopamine. This occurrence is only a temporary feeling of happiness.
Every morning that I would wake up the first thing I did was check my FB wall. It was more than just an obsession but more a daily habit. A habit I couldn’t break lose from. I don’t know why I felt so in desperate need to scroll down my wall to the last point I remember checking it the night before, as if I was going to miss something. Yes, I live in the country and have no friends here, and yes I miss my friends and family in Florida but does that give me the right to be obsessed with checking my entire wall for updates? Facebook has it’s positive things like providing network opportunities to help save animals or like help raise money for charities but it has also taken away the physical aspect of traditional communication skills like talking on the phone with an old friend, talking face to face, and even texting eachother. Now all we have to do is check our wall and see what our friends and family are up to. I can’t count how many lost hours I have wasted in checking my Facebook wall, I can’t win back those hours either, it’s time I have spent on nothing but just scrolling through, and through and through to see what? Funny videos that are shared like potato chips, or vacation pictures of people I don’t even socialize in person with, or reading quotes that annoy the crap out of me cuz it’s the same shitty shit a girl with a broken heart keeps posting, all not worth it. Instead now if i want to share a picture of my dogs with someone special, I just text it directly to them, or I email them a video. Be more personal, instead of public. What’s the point of having so many friends, if you don’t have any personal experiences with them throughout your day? Don’t be a stranger to your friends, be close and personal, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and say hello, how are you doing? In life we can either strengthen our relationships and bonds, or let them dissolve into just some faint memories. Pick and chose who you want in your life, who you want to keep close to, because the relationships we have today are the ones that are seeds to the future.

The benefits of spending time with the Grandparents…can’t say I benefited much.

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Grandma, me, and mami

Grandma, me, and mami

I come from a hard working single mother who had me at the age of 40. My mother an accountant major in Ecuador cleaned houses when we moved to United States. I stayed every day with my grandmother who we lived with. My grandmother wasn’t the nicest lady. She was straight to the point, very blunt, didn’t care if she hurt your feelings, a man hater and was very bossy. My mother since as early as she could work took care of my grandmother. I believe my grandmother only worked once in her lifetime. Not sure how my mother became so independent and a slave to my grandmother but since I was young that’s how it was. My mother an only child, so strong and always yearned for a large family but found herself single and only with me as her only child. She has only shown me love my entire life, she said she didn’t want to be like her mother who was never a loving mother. My grandmother was deprived of love from her early childhood. She was the middle child, both her sisters got to marry the man they chose but my grandmother had an arranged marriage. You can only imagine how horrible she must of felt. I was also told that she did like another boy but she was forced to marry my grandfather. My grandfather was twice her age, he was a telegrapher, didn’t make much. Not sure how much damage he caused but I do know is that as soon as my mother became of age, she took my grandmother away with her and moved away. My mother kinda saved my grandmother from an unhappy marriage and perhaps that’s why she has always been the leader, the provider for both of them.

Anyways, back to my childhood. I don’t recall my grandmother every playing with me, she didn’t like kids, she didn’t really like anyone. She was angry inside and could never seem to find happiness but I do know she loved me and took good care of me. My mom always protected me from her, not that she was abusive but my mom made sure that she would never lay a finger on me. Thank god I was a quite kid, and always kept to myself, and just drew pictures in my alone time. I recall my grandmother piercing my ears, I must of been 4. My mother was outraged but I guess it was ok since I needed earrings. I know my grandmother loved me in her own ways. And when she passed away, my heart did hurt for losing her and not spending enough time with her. I remember her telling me stories of how she helped her cousin get a house after she got a divorce from her husband who use to beat her when he was drunk. My grandmother also seemed to be savior to women who didn’t have a voice. Maybe because she felt she was also strong in her own way and didn’t want other women to be taken advantage of by a man. She somehow got involved with the city and had to fight for her cousin’s rights, I don’t recall so well, it’s kinda a blur but it made me smile that at least she did do some good deeds in her life that I wasn’t aware of. 

My grandmother was born in 1918. She died at age 84 or 85, can’t remember. And I will never forget seeing her pass in hospice. When I stared at her, so lifeless, so bare to the bones, I could see myself in her. I could see my bone structure was like hers and the more I looked at her the more I felt I looked like her more than my own mother. I cried but felt relieved that my mother finally would be free from taking care of her and could now live her life her own way. 

When I was dating my husband his grandmother on his dad side was alive and he’s grandmother on his mother side was alive. When I met them they were both so sweet, so caring, and so different from my grandmother. Both very old and getting to the point of losing their memories, etc. His grandmother had the biggest smile, the warmest heart and from all the stories I hear she was an amazing polish cook! My grandmother was too a good cook but stop cook after the age of 80. I couldn’t understand why my husband had no desire to spend any time with his grandmother or grandfather. A few months ago his grandmother passed away. I went to the memorial service which was filled with so many wonderful stories how this woman was not only their grandmother but their best friend. I cried because through all their stories, I also felt like I had gotten to know her more than I did. I wondered how it must feel to lose someone so special and close like that. It reminded me of some of the ladies on my facebook page that periodically posts how much they miss their nana, etc. My husband’s grandfather is still alive, though he was suppose to pass away last year since he was diagnosed with liver cancer but he’s still kicking and living a healthy life. He lives far from us but if he lived closer I would go visit him very often. He was in WWII and flew one of the most powerful war planes! He’s the sweetest and so caring man! I feel so envious for my husband who had wonderful grandparents but I feel like he doesn’t appreciate their love or existence the way he should. I’m not sure if this is an American thing but I do know that grandparents should be cherished no matter what culture you come from. They have so much history, knowledge, and love for you!

I feel lucky though because all the benefits they say you can earn as a grandchild, I have learn from my mother. She has always been such a wonderful example of a good person, a brave person, who has taught me to be grateful for everything I have in my life, to respect others as I would like to be treated, and to never lose faith. 

According to a September 2012 research by MetLife Mature Market Institute and the nonprofit Generations United, titled The MetLife Study on How Grandparents Share Their Time,Values, and Money, they found 74 percent of respondents provide weekly babysitting services for their grandchildren. These strong relationships and bonds that both grandparents and grandchildren share showed can help provide long term benefits in life for both parties.

Grandparents feel self-worth by staying in touch with grandkids, overall improving their health. The research showed that elders can show valuable lessons to youngsters such as:

EMPATHY: TEACHING THEIR GRANDKIDS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE THINGS THEY HAVE AND THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM. This lesson is so valuable in today’s society where we take everything for granted, even our freedom.

FAMILY HISTORY: THEY CAN SHARE STORIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS THROUGH OLD PHOTOS OR WATCHING OLD MOVIES, GIVING OPPORTUNITIES FOR GRANDKIDS TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR OWN FAMILY TREE.

INTERESTS: CHILDREN CAN LEARN NEW SKILLS OR HOBBIES THAT THEIR GRANDPARENTS ARE INTO LIKE WOODWORK, COOKING, GARDENING, AND EVEN SHARE SOME FAMILY RECIPES.

RESPECT: GRANDKIDS WHO GROW UP RESPECTING THEIR GRANDPARENTS WILL TEND TO RESPECT AUTHORITY FIGURES OUTSIDE OF THEIR HOMES, WHICH WILL HELP THEM GROW UP TO BE MORE COURTEOUS AND KIND TO OTHERS. 

Grandparents also benefit from a strong relationships with their grandkids by having companionship in their lives, having new experiences and conversations can help maintain their minds stay sharp and bodies active as they enter their golden years.

Research by MetLife

 

Today I was thinking….

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lionkingThis morning I woke up wondering why is it that Americans (particular white americans) call their parents by their first names as adults. Coming from a hispanic family, I don’t recall anyone in my family or in other hispanic families calling their parents by their first name. It has always been mami, papi, or some sweet nickname they have had for them. My husband and my sister in-law call their father by their first name. I asked my husband one day why he didn’t call his dad by dad and his response is that his dad pays more attention when he is called by his first name. I personally would feel so weird and disrespectful if I called my mother by her first name. It’s just so foreign to me and cold.

Why is there a difference in families because of our culture? Shouldn’t respect = respect, shouldn’t the ties of being a father and mother last past our adulthood?

Of course our views are different because of our culture differences but how can emotions be affected? Isn’t the relationships between parents and children a worldly thing? We all share the same pattern of being taken care of, meaning we were all babies, we were bottle fed at some point, cared by our parents, and eventually fled the home we were raised in. We all grew our wings and flew away. Well most of us. But why is it that we (hispanics, asians, non-americans) tend to have more of a sense of respect and devotion to our parents? Where and when did the American culture lose this? 

The desire to fulfil our parents hopes for us, to give them what they deserve, to want to repay them for all their good deeds to us, a sense of gratification exists in non-american cultures more than in American cultures. Even when it’s regarding our extended family members non-white cultures have strong bonds with their extended family members. Why is there this distance within families in America? How did we get here? I don’t know but perhaps someone can give some input! 🙂

Testosterone and Art!

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http://hyperallergic.com/141737/does-less-testosterone-mean-more-art/

“Social tolerance is necessary for effective cultural transmission of technological innovations and other behaviors … [S]hifts in social tolerance can relatively quickly and profoundly change behaviors because they allow individuals to utilize preexisting cognitive abilities in a new set of contexts.”- Study by Robert L. Cieri

My new artist statement….Monkey See, Monkey Do

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My work is a critique of the social and cultural issues surrounding the modification of the female body. Born in Ecuador and raised in South Florida has made me highly aware of the disparities of cultural values. My work is the result of research on the anthropology of sex appeal, learned social behavior and the studies on attraction. Through biological and evolutionary evidence I have found there’s a large amount of similarities between us and animals.  Therefore I use animals to parallel our social structures and methods of mating. Like in most societies there’s a ranking system, American culture has place sex appeal on top.  I feel through this obsession with the ‘Porn Star’ perfect body we are losing individuality and have created the acceptance of objectification.

In my work I create ink, watercolor and pastel drawings of hybrids of female humans and animals to parallel social behaviors, sexual habits or social ranking.  I create scenes of fights, climbing to the top and mating; all showing competition and exposing their large enhanced breasts and butt implants. My work varies in mediums. I’m often inspired by photographs of wild animals such as monkeys, goats, sheep, and fish when I’m reminded of similar behavior traits or physical features we share with them. I’m interested in creating work that is humorous and can translate an awareness of how culture trends are leading to self-evolution by learned behavior (Monkey see, Monkey do).  When analyzing this cultural shift from a scientific point you realize that it’s not about self-esteem (like most of the answers that are given by women who get plastic surgery; self-esteem doesn’t exist without the influence of others) but it’s about attracting another mate, reproducing, and creating “better” human traits.  It’s ingrained in us to classify certain body parts that associate with fertility, status, and health from our ancestral needs. In reality we don’t change our DNA when we do breast augmentations and butt implants for vanity reasons, therefore are creating  a false world that in the end only makes us more materialized and objectified.

 I view the cultural trends of breast augmentation, butt implants, and lip enhancements as fake beauty because it’s objectifying women, affecting self-values, and creating a false world. Demeaning stereotypes are also occurring within this cultural shift despite women’s true identities. In my work I switch the roles of animals, creating them also victims of the domino effects of plastic surgery. I would like for people to reflect on how women have become their worst enemies by being part of the Sheeple generation, competing against one another and how the ‘ideal’ porn body image is influencing today and the future. I believe women should value themselves intellectually and not physically because being unique is being beautiful!ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage